Poopy Diapers and Burp Rags

All things Jonathan

Saturday, September 09, 2006


Ok, so I haven't been around in a long while. School started again, and then I was sick, and it just seems as though time is flying. Jonathan is already 10 months old, I just can't believe it. He is with his dad this weekend, which I have decided to post my true feelings on...afterall, this is MY blog.

Now, I have taken a lot of...ahem...crap over the past year. Some of it has come from people who have no idea what is going on...and some of it has come from women who have NO idea how to be mothers...example: one who gave her kids up for adoption, trying to tell me how to be a Godly mother...now, I do not know what the circumstances were behind that, but I just don't think that this certain person has any credibility as far as motherhood goes at this point to be giving me advice. The second woman giving me "Godly" advice on how to be a mother...well, let's just say God isn't evident in her life, and her children are terrors..among other things. But, whatever works for you. Another gentleman trying to tell me not to get a divorce because it isn't the right choice, when in fact he is divorced...and living a much better life thanks to his "new" wife who lives a much better life$tyle than what he wa$ u$ed to...if you catch my drift. Looks like getting a divorce really worked out for him.

I know I am doing a darn good job raising Jonathan, he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I have spent countless hours awake at night taking care of him, and running him to the doctor, and changing diapers, and playing and cuddeling...NOT that I'm complaining, because I most certainly am not...this is the best "job" I have ever had! I just never imagined I would be forced into a situation where I would have to parent on my own. It really sucks. Again, this is my blog...so I can say whatever I want...if you don't like it...don't read it, there are millions of other blogs out there you can read. I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one with respsonsiblity after this whole divorce...I mean, I now have a child and two dogs...ok, obviously the child is much more important, but it seems like the other party simply got to walk away, no strings attached. Jason and I are getting along much better, and we have recently changed the parenting time, so he now gets to be with Jonathan every other weekend...which to be honest with you...I hate it. I do, I really hate it. I don't like being away from Jonathan. At all. I absolutely hate the fact that just because Jason walked away, I have to sacrifice time with my kid. It's not fair. Some of you might be saying...well, it's not fair to Jason that he only gets to see Jonathan every other weekend...well, I have one thing to say to that...Jason is the one who decided to leave...instead of work on things and stick it out through the tough times, he wanted out, so he got just what he wanted. Please don't comment on by blog things like "it's important for jonathan to know his father..." and other stuff like that...yes, I am aware of this, that is why I decided to work with Jason to change the parenting time...but it still doesn't change how I FEEL.

I HATE being without Jonathan. I don't even like to go to work and leave him with the babysitter...let alone for a whole weekend. It totally sucks not being able to wake up to his smiling face and usually stinky diaper! I hate not being able to rock him to sleep, or read him a story at night and play under the covers. Maybe down the road, I will enjoy this time to myself, but right now, I can't stand it, and I really don't think it's fair. (yes, I know...life's not fair...save your comments...)

Jason and I have been getting along nicely. We have both decided that the only way this is going to work is if we do. It has been nice working together on this. There have been some major glitches along the way, but that is to be expected. I still think it stinks that we are going to have to still be "attached" for the rest of our lives. There will never be such a thing as a clean break, and that is very hard for me. No, I'm not saying that I would like to get back together, or that I have those feelings for Jason, there have been WAY too many things that have happened that has changed that. If he was feeling this way (which he claims he was...) for as long as he was, I wish he would of left before we had a child together. AGAIN, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I don't wish I had Jonathan...I love him to pieces...I'm just saying I wish Jason would have left before, so I could have shared this special moment and time with someone who deserved it, and wanted to share it back.

At this point, I really want to thank the people who have supported me, and given me the hugs when I have needed them, and let me cry when I needed to, and of course, let me scream when I could no longer hold it in. You have made my life livable. I love you, and I appreciate each and everyone...mom, grandma, Cory, dad, Susan, Monica, Allie, Kim, Pastor Bob, Boss, Dawn, Niki, Cheryl and everyone else that I am forgetting...not because you're not important, but because I'm almost 30 and I have no memory left! Thank you...Thank you...Thank you...

Well, this has turned out a little longer than I had intended, but then again, I haven't blogged in about 2 months...soooooo, I had to make it worthwhile! I hope everyone is well...


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